More than words: why pronoun usage is key to LGBTQ+ workplace respect

You might not realise it, but for someone who consistently experiences misgendering (ie the use of incorrect pronouns, or referring to someone with a gender identity with which they do not identify) or deadnaming (using a birth name that they no longer use), being addressed correctly can be incredibly powerful.

While my personal experience, like that of many others, involves significant dysphoria when misgendered or deadnamed, it's important to remember this isn't universal within the transgender and non-binary community. However, it's an issue for many and that's why getting it right is so crucial.

The importance of pronouns

To delve deeper into the impact of chosen names and pronouns, let's turn to an excerpt from my book, Transgender Inclusion. “We’re going to play a little game. I want you to take a moment and think about a coworker. This doesn’t have to be someone that you’re particularly close to, but it should be someone with whom you interact on a relatively consistent basis. I would like you to tell a story an experience the two of you had together. But here’s the catch – I want you to tell this story without using your coworker’s name.”

Now, this isn’t one of those moments where I provide instruction and you just keep reading. I really want you to take a moment and do what I’m asking you to do. You’ll understand why in a moment. It doesn’t have to be a long story; a story that lasts one to two minutes is just fine. Tell your story as if I’m sitting right there next to you and you’re telling me all about what happened, but do not use this coworker’s name. I’ll wait.

OK, so you probably found that interesting but not terribly difficult because you had something else you could rely on and if you’re like most people, what you relied on were pronouns in the absence of the person’s name. So let’s take this game to the next level. I want you to tell me the same story as if I’m sitting right there next to you, but this time tell me the story without utilising either the coworker’s name or their pronouns. Make it as detailed as possible – and make sure you do not utilize the coworker’s name or pronouns.

Now, if you’re like most folks, that was much more difficult. But why is it so difficult to tell a story about a person without using their name and their pronouns? Because those are the two main identifiers we utilise when speaking about someone and it is how we identify the subject of our story.

Aiming to get it right

Now that we see how important names and pronouns are in explaining, honouring and giving voice to a person’s experience, let’s discuss how harmful it is when we do not get it right. The exercises you just engaged in highlight the fact that names and pronouns are how we show up in the world when we are explaining ourselves to others and when others are speaking about us and our experiences. A person’s name is no small detail, nor is their choice of pronouns. They’re very important details – ones that we should endeavour to get right.

Why do I identify honouring chosen names and pronouns as such a crucial first step? The answer is simple: it's woven into the very fabric of our interactions. Every exchange and every conversation offers a chance to affirm someone's identity or inadvertently undermine it. This is a powerful position to be in. We hold the power to create a sense of belonging or one of alienation with every word we choose.

Will you get it right every single time? Perhaps not. But the key is demonstrating that you care enough to try. Because constantly misgendering or deadnaming someone sends a clear message: their identity, their very essence, doesn’t matter to you. Respecting chosen names and pronouns isn’t just the polite thing to do, it’s a foundation for building trust and demonstrating that you genuinely see value in someone and their contributions. It’s the first step towards fostering a truly inclusive environment where everyone feels safe, respected, and empowered to be their authentic selves. It is a small gesture that has the potential to have a big impact.