The failure-proof mindset: strategies for leading with confidence

Not many of us enjoy the feelings that come along with failure, including disappointment and embarrassment. We might even feel shame if we make the mental leap from “I failed at that task” to “I am a failure".

It’s not surprising, therefore, that we might try to steer clear of those unpleasant feelings by avoiding the possibility of failure. However, such avoidance can hold us back from finding out what we are truly capable of. Here are five tried and tested suggestions to help you deal with being afraid of failing.

Talk about failure

I suggest that we all consciously join the failure club, a club in which the first rule is that you DO talk about failure club. The more we talk about failure, the more normal it will feel. Hearing about the ways in which friends and colleagues have fallen short of the result they were aiming for can help us to gain perspective on our own ‘failures’. Without this kind of open conversation about the inevitable disappointments of work and life, we can succumb to the idea that other people’s route to success is a straightforward line from A to B. the reality is that everyone else’s route to success is as squiggly (and messy) as our own.

Recognise the cost of staying safe

Writer Suzy Kassem said “fear kills more dreams than failure ever will.” Whenever we take on a challenge, there’s a possibility that we might fail. Stepping back from the challenge will keep us ‘safe’ from those unpleasant emotions that are triggered when something doesn’t go to plan. It’s 100% effective - if we don’t try, then we cannot fail. But by not trying, we also eliminate the possibility of success. Research suggests that most people regret what they did not do more than what they did - the missed opportunity, the chance not taken. Could you use the desire to avoid the regret of ‘what if’ as a counterbalance to your desire to avoid the feelings that accompany failure?

Fail more often

This is the equivalent of signing up for the Friendly Spider Programme at London Zoo in order to overcome arachnophobia. Avoiding spiders (or failure) serves to maintain your fear. In contrast, finding a way to step towards the scary thing can help to lessen any sense of terror. This might look like taking up a new hobby that requires failure in order to learn - it’s unlikely that you’ll successfully throw a pot on your first attempt to use a potter’s wheel. Or it might entail asking a colleague to support you to take on a new and stretching work challenge, acknowledging that there will be a process of trial and error (a.k.a. learning) along the way.

Tackle perfectionism

Perfectionism and fear of failure are first cousins. If you set up an unreasonable expectation of ‘success’, then any shortfall will feel like a failure. Try gently setting down an expectation of perfection and instead measuring your efforts against a clear sense of what is ‘good enough.’ Next time you notice a fear of failure slowing you down at the beginning of a new piece of work, try this practice to focus on what ‘good enough’ looks like. Articulate the goal for the work, and then create a list to define what good enough delivery looks like, ensuring that everything you write down is absolutely needed to achieve the stated goal (no going above and beyond!) If this is too tough, try capturing what the ideal, perfectionism-tinged version of success looks like and then give yourself permission to edit it. Your guide here is Seth Godin’s definition: “Perfect doesn’t mean flawless. Perfect means it does exactly what it needs to do.”

Try constructive pessimism

Failure is painful but not fatal. Acknowledging this truth can diminish the fear that the possibility of failure provokes. By reminding ourselves that we can survive failure (despite those unpleasant feelings) we make it easier to step forward and try. Next time you’re worrying about messing something up at work, try constructive pessimism. Step 1 is to bring to mind the worst case scenario. At step 2, ask yourself ‘do I know that this will happen?’ I can be definitive with the answer here: no. You absolutely cannot predict the future.  Lastly, step 3 is to ask yourself ‘if it did happen, could I survive it?’ The question is not about whether it’s desirable, but whether it’s survivable. I’m pretty certain that the answer is yes.

Fear of failure is common. It’s human, and it’s understandable - the feelings that the experience of failure provokes are unpleasant. But failure is necessary. If we are to grow, then we need to fail, and that means building up our tolerance for failing, learning and moving forward.